Consent is the most misunderstood concept in comprehending the issues around interpersonal violence. Learning how to talk about consent, gain consent or refuse consent can help clarify each person’s responsibility to minimize the risk of unwanted sexual contact.
(no matter what s/he might verbalize):
If consent is not obtained prior to each act of sexual behavior (from kissing leading up to intercourse), a student risks violation of the Vassar College Sexual Misconduct Policy.
Consent is when one person agrees to or gives permission to another person to do something. It means agreeing to an action based on your knowledge of what that action involves, its likely consequences and having the option of saying no. The absence of “no” does not mean “yes”. When it comes to sex in your relationship, consent is really important. You both have a responsibility to make sure you both feel safe and comfortable every step along the way. Remember, your actions towards the person you’re with can greatly affect the way they feel about you, themselves, the relationship and sex in general. Consent is an important part of healthy sexuality and both people should be involved in the decision to have sex.
There are different types of intimacy, like holding hands, writing love notes, kissing, hugging, massage, and actually having sex. Different people will be willing to go to different types and try different things. You might enjoy kissing, but not feel ready to have sex. Or you might have had sex before, and not feel like it every time you kiss. Kissing and getting intimate does not need to lead to sex. That’s why it’s important to communicate how you are feeling. Every time you engage in intimate or sexual activity it is really important that you and the person you’re with is comfortable with what’s happening.
Everyone has the right to say “no” and everyone has the right to change their mind at any time regardless of their past experiences with other people or the person they are with.
Drugs and alcohol can affect people’s ability to make decisions, including whether or not they want to be sexual with someone else. This means that if someone is really out of it, they cannot give consent.
Being with them in a sexual way when they don’t know what is going on is the same as rape.
If you see a friend who is out of it and is being intimate with someone, you should pull them aside and try your best to make sure that person is safe and knows what he or she is doing. If it’s the opposite situation, and your friend is trying to engage in a sexual encounter with someone who is out if it, you should try to pull them aside and stop them from getting themselves into trouble.
The only way to know for sure if someone has given consent is if they tell you. It’s not always easy to let people know that you are not happy about something. Sometimes the person you’re with might look like they are happy doing something, but inside they are not. They might not know what to say or how to tell you that they are uncomfortable. One of the best ways to determine if someone is uncomfortable with any situation, especially with a sexual one, is to simply ask. Here are some examples of the questions you might ask:
There are many ways of communicating. The look on someone’s face and their body language is also a way of communicating and often has more meaning than the words that come out of their mouth.
Here are some ways body language can let you know if the person you’re with is not comfortable with what is happening:
Asking questions and being aware of body language helps you to figure out if the person you’re with is consenting and feeling comfortable, or not consenting and feeling uncomfortable. If you get a negative or non-committal answer to any of these questions, or if your partner’s body language is like any of the above examples, then you should stop what you are doing and talk to them about it.
Taking your time, making sure you are both comfortable, and talking about how far you want to go will make the time you spend together a lot more satisfying and enjoyable for both of you. Sometimes things move very quickly. Below are some things you can say to slow things down if you feel that things are moving too quickly.
You always have the right to say “no” and you always have the right to change your mid at any time regardless of your past experiences with other people or the person you are with. Below are some things you can say or do if you want so stop:
If you someone has attempted or completed a sexual act without your consent...