What is Consent?

Consent is the most misunderstood concept in comprehending the issues around interpersonal violence. Learning how to talk about consent, gain consent or refuse consent can help clarify each person’s responsibility to minimize the risk of unwanted sexual contact.

Circumstances in which a person, CANNOT, by law, give consent:

(no matter what s/he might verbalize):

The person is severely intoxicated or unconscious as a result of alcohol or drugs
The person is physically or mentally disabled
Once a person says “no”. It does not matter if or what kind of sexual behavior has happened previously in the current event, early that day, or daily for the previous six months. It does not matter if it is a current long-term relationship, a broken relationship, or marriage. If one partner says, “NO,” and the other forces penetration it is rape.

If consent is not obtained prior to each act of sexual behavior (from kissing leading up to intercourse), a student risks violation of the Vassar College Sexual Misconduct Policy.

What does consent mean in intimate relationships?

Consent is when one person agrees to or gives permission to another person to do something. It means agreeing to an action based on your knowledge of what that action involves, its likely consequences and having the option of saying no. The absence of “no” does not mean “yes”. When it comes to sex in your relationship, consent is really important. You both have a responsibility to make sure you both feel safe and comfortable every step along the way. Remember, your actions towards the person you’re with can greatly affect the way they feel about you, themselves, the relationship and sex in general. Consent is an important part of healthy sexuality and both people should be involved in the decision to have sex.

CONSENT IS…

A voluntary, sober, imaginative, enthusiastic, creative, wanted, informed, mutual, honest, and verbal agreement
An active agreement: Consent cannot be coerced
A process, which must be asked for every step of the way; if you want to move to the next level of sexual intimacy, just ask
Never implied and cannot be assumed, even in the context of a relationship. Just because you are in a relationship does not mean that you have permission to have sex with your partner

KISSING DOESN!T ALWAYS NEED TO LEAD TO SEX

There are different types of intimacy, like holding hands, writing love notes, kissing, hugging, massage, and actually having sex. Different people will be willing to go to different types and try different things. You might enjoy kissing, but not feel ready to have sex. Or you might have had sex before, and not feel like it every time you kiss. Kissing and getting intimate does not need to lead to sex. That’s why it’s important to communicate how you are feeling. Every time you engage in intimate or sexual activity it is really important that you and the person you’re with is comfortable with what’s happening.

Everyone has the right to say “no” and everyone has the right to change their mind at any time regardless of their past experiences with other people or the person they are with.

THE PERKS OF CONSENT

Asking for and obtaining consent shows that you have respect for both yourself and you partner
Enhances communication, respect, and honesty, which make sex and relationships better
Ability to know and be able to communicate the type of sexual relationship you want
Knowing how to protect yourself and your partner against STIs and pregnancy
Opportunity to acknowledge that you and your partner(s) have sexual needs and desires
Identify your personal beliefs and values and respecting your partner’s personal beliefs and values
Builds confidence and self-esteem
Challenges stereotypes that rape is a women’s issue
Challenges sexism and traditional views on gender and sexuality
Positive views on sex and sexuality are empowering
Eliminates the entitlement that one partner might feel over another. Neither your body or your sexuality belong to someone else

WHAT IF THE PERSON YOU’RE WITH IS TOO OUT OF IT TO GIVE CONSENT?

Drugs and alcohol can affect people’s ability to make decisions, including whether or not they want to be sexual with someone else. This means that if someone is really out of it, they cannot give consent.

Being with them in a sexual way when they don’t know what is going on is the same as rape.

If you see a friend who is out of it and is being intimate with someone, you should pull them aside and try your best to make sure that person is safe and knows what he or she is doing. If it’s the opposite situation, and your friend is trying to engage in a sexual encounter with someone who is out if it, you should try to pull them aside and stop them from getting themselves into trouble.

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF THE PERSON YOU!RE WITH HAS GIVEN THEIR CONSENT?

The only way to know for sure if someone has given consent is if they tell you. It’s not always easy to let people know that you are not happy about something. Sometimes the person you’re with might look like they are happy doing something, but inside they are not. They might not know what to say or how to tell you that they are uncomfortable. One of the best ways to determine if someone is uncomfortable with any situation, especially with a sexual one, is to simply ask. Here are some examples of the questions you might ask:

Is there anything you don!t want to do?
Are you comfortable?
Do you want to stop?
Do you want to go further?

RECOGNIZING NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION

There are many ways of communicating. The look on someone’s face and their body language is also a way of communicating and often has more meaning than the words that come out of their mouth.

Here are some ways body language can let you know if the person you’re with is not comfortable with what is happening:

Not responding to your touch
Pushing you away
Holding their arms tightly around their bodies
Turning away from you or hiding their face
Stiffening muscles

Asking questions and being aware of body language helps you to figure out if the person you’re with is consenting and feeling comfortable, or not consenting and feeling uncomfortable. If you get a negative or non-committal answer to any of these questions, or if your partner’s body language is like any of the above examples, then you should stop what you are doing and talk to them about it.

SLOWING THINGS DOWN

Taking your time, making sure you are both comfortable, and talking about how far you want to go will make the time you spend together a lot more satisfying and enjoyable for both of you. Sometimes things move very quickly. Below are some things you can say to slow things down if you feel that things are moving too quickly.

I don’t want to go any further than kissing, hugging, touching.
Can we stay like this for a while?
Can we slow down?

STOPPING

You always have the right to say “no” and you always have the right to change your mid at any time regardless of your past experiences with other people or the person you are with. Below are some things you can say or do if you want so stop:

Say “No”
Say “I want to stop”
Say “I need to go to the bathroom/toilet”
In a situation where the other person isn’t listening to you and you feel unsafe, you could pretend you are going to vomit. (It’s amazing how quickly someone moves away from you if they think you are going to be sick).

If you someone has attempted or completed a sexual act without your consent...

Know it is not your fault and there are numerous on-campus resources and off-campus resources
A SART advocate can aid in making a safety plan, and walking you through different options and supports
- SART (845) 437-7333
CARES peer support
- (845) 437-7333
- cares@vassar.edu
Counseling Services
- (845) 437- 5700
Rape Crisis Hotline
- (845) 452-7272